How to Know When We're Being Overbearing.
They're so cute when they're little.
Seeing their little noses when they're cold and how it turns red. How they reach for you when they're scared as this lets you know you can protect them.
But as our little bundles of joy begins to grow they become more independent.
They can tie their own shoes.
They can feed themselves...dress themselves...
Oh, and let's not forget, they need you, mom, less and less!
For most moms this can be scary. When we begin seeing our little ones blossom, turning into who they will become, we love this part! But when our thoughts, our ideas, our ways of doing things begin to be replaced with...
"That's not how I want to do it!"
This is when the anxiety starts. After all, we know what's best, right? Or do we?
Thoughts such as "we've been there...done that" begin to fill our minds as we forcefully and unexpressingly begin to incorporate our lives into their hearts.
I've seen this one too many times with a lot of parents. The funny thing is when bringing it to their attention many moms are in denial.
And It's sad to say, but I became one of these. Let me tell you how.
When I was younger, my parents raised my siblings and me very old school. They were firm believers of the "children should be seen and not heard" rule.
When we were corrected for something we supposedly did wrong, whether we were guilty or not, we couldn't speak. So we just agreed not to do it again and we moved on. Just like that!
Well, now that I have children of my own things work a little bit differently than what I was used to. They have taught me one simple rule: to listen to what they have to say!
FYI: My children are not disrespectful kids at all, though. In fact, almost everywhere we go, my husband and I are praised for how well-behaved they are, we have even gotten a couple of free meals at restaurants because of it, too! And this wasn't from any of the restaurant staff, but the customers. They couldn't believe it, but we thought it to be normal. But, they are not by far perfect children!
My children have taught me through the many mistakes I've made and every now and then still make when I don't listen to them when I should be.
One day, my seven year old and I were outside and I was with him as he rode his bike around our neighborhood. I loved seeing him go down the hill (we have hilly streets in our neighborhood).
Well, I wanted to teach him independence and how to handle those hills on his own without me running beside him in case he fell. So I explained to him how he would get scared right when he was about to go around this particular curve. I had noticed that the handle bars would shake really bad when he held his feet out as he would lose his balance.
I gave him a pointer on how to overcome this obstacle by telling him to keep his feet on the pedals. But my seven year old did not agree. He explained that him holding his feet out made him feel safe and that it would keep him from falling. But me, being the mom that I am, I told him to do it my way and he won't fall.
Well he listened to the exact words I told him...AND...
Because of my advice, he fell!
So he held back a few tears, but what made an impact on my heart was what we he said afterward...
"Mom, what you told me didn't keep me safe at all!"
He was so angry with me.
I realized that what he had been doing all along at least kept him from falling. But because I told him what I would do, instead of relying on the fact he already knew what he was doing, I caused a fall that could've been prevented had he held his legs out.
Now this doesn't mean that he couldn't have fallen doing what he was doing when he held his legs out, but he had went around that same curve at least four or five different times and didn't. When I allowed him to learn in his own way how to survive "the dreadful curve" as he was coming down the hill, he was safe even though it didn't appear that way to me.
He knew what he was doing already. He didn't need me making him feel even more unsafe.
FYI: I don't always have the right answers and it is not always going to be in my power to save my children from harm. But this is the whole point of life schooling: To be able to teach them how to make their own sound decisions. Sometimes, I just need to back away and let them grow!
When I look back on the incident now, I believe he eventually would've learned how to survive without the fear. As a matter of fact, I know he would've because that's how his mind works. He is an overcomer! (He is still in fear of the incident which happened a couple of weeks ago, but I am sure he will once again face it some time soon...but of course, at his leading!).
One thing I know for sure this has taught him is understanding what works best for him and not what everyone else thinks he should do. So I guess this didn't end as badly as I thought...LOL! So much for life schooling, huh?
So this is our story and I wanted to share in hopes that other moms would begin to examine their hearts, examine their methods with how they engage with their children on a daily basis. Is what you're doing working for your son or daughter or is it causing them to disengage with you?
Have you been a bit overbearing lately?
???
What I've also learned is that "overbearance" is control whereas gentle guidance breeds confident, happy children.
My children are great teachers, too!
"You were designed and created to be a world-changer, whether for one individual, several, or an entire world. Your life is a book and the pages of your life are being added daily, so be the difference someone wants to open and read!"
-Lynn Palmer
